The 80/20 rule, or the law of the vital few, is also known as the Pareto Principle. Italian economist Vilfredo Pareto argues that 20% of your activities will account for 80% of your results. Pareto’s Principle has come to be known as an axiom in business management and life, but I have seen this play out with group participation as well. If I can get 20% of my people to be very active and show up well – others will follow. My members will not show up simply because I do. The hierarchical teacher/student dynamic makes most students see me as different and separate from them, though. Latitudinal learning structures, where members learn from each other as much as from the teacher or leader, is far more effective in creating community.

By ensuring that 20% of your members have been instructed to be active participants – both on the live calls and on whatever social forum you are using – you will start to create a culture of togetherness. That means 2 out of every 10 members are showing up to the live calls interested, vocal, sharing, posting, commenting, and liking what is going on in the forum, and generally being engaged. You can ensure their participation by praising these kinds of actions, being specific in that praise and telling them how much it means to you and how helpful it is for the other people in the group. I do this privately, in an email or text, or in person. I have also utilized the specific talents of these vital few in special events such as retreats. This will give them ownership of the event and will hold them to a higher standard, pushing the bar up for the group as a whole.

Once you run one program, you will get a feel for who knows how to “show up”. Then, ask them to continue being a part of the group so that they can keep modeling that behavior in exchange for a deal on the cost of the program. They can be paired with newer members to put those vital few in more of a leadership position and elevate the chance of success in the newer clients. I’ve offered exceptional members an arrangement where they give me monthly feedback on what is and isn’t working in the course (encourage and teach them how to give critical feedback), agree to post new threads on the forum once a week, like and comment on other member’s posts 3x weekly, let me know who needs more support, and are required to attend 80% of the live calls. What I’ve found is that other members will start to share and show up in similar ways – becoming more vulnerable, transparent and present. It’s a beautiful thing!

When I was in my twenties I was super “emo”. You know, fully identified with my emotional self. Pre-yoga, pre-meditation, there was no space between my emotional body and myself. I was one gigantic expression of hormone shifts. Oy. As this younger version of myself, whenever I would be heartbroken by the dissatisfaction or pain of life, I would end up wandering the aisles of a bookstore (remember those?) desperately hoping that the book to solve all my problems would call me over. And it would!  I’d find just the right title that spoke directly to my wounds. Skimming the back cover, I found that the author understood me in a way that resonated so deeply I’d sigh, “yessssss”! I trusted that this new way of looking at my problem would dissolve the suffering and confusion as soon as I could get through the chapters. It would be great! I’d be empowered with cutting edge insights and liberated from the bonds of my ignorance. This time I’d really see some results!

Shift from individual growth work to group growth

And maybe this was true. Maybe there was a levity simply in the hope of new perspectives and my life did shift ever so slightly towards a happier existence. But when the inspiration of those books wore off, I was left with the same old habits. I would lose motivation, “forget” to do the thing the book taught, or maybe feel just good enough to skip the last couple chapters and label myself “healed” – proclaiming that, “Everyone should read this book! It’s so amazing!”

Of course, it was amazing. In no small part because it was not the way that I think. But what if I could get more than just the latest idea packaged between two well-edited book covers? What if I could get more than just the one perspective? What if I could add a multitude of insightful perspectives, a person to hold me accountable, a coach to highlight my blind spots and a philosophy towards growth that weeds out self-sabotage, resistance, and all the other ways we disqualify ourselves from the work? A program that didn’t last a few weeks or months, but over a year’s worth of attention? Long enough for my new habits, new way of thinking, newfound self-confidence, courage, vulnerability, you-name-it – to become automatic?

Jessica was about to find out “what if”. And I can tell you – what you gain from more minds and time on the job isn’t just connection – it is deep transformation. You can experience this too.

What we know from habit change science is that for lasting change to take root, we need to change who we think we are. We have to start believing different things about ourselves. If you have always thought of yourself as a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” kind of person —  someone who values independence over collaboration — I invite you to explore something different. That kind of isolation can hinder our growth and prevent us from taking big leaps forward that happen easier with the help of a supportive community. It might have worked well for our parents and grandparents to be rugged individuals, but with a little investigation, you might be able to see the pitfalls of “going it alone”.

Join the group, sign up for the course, get the coach. Your way of thinking got you this far, a new way of thinking could take you all the way.

Does your coaching beg the question? And the next question? If you are concerned that you just don’t know enough about Ayurveda or health or life or fill-in-the-blank to coach, I have a question for you. What do you think it takes to be effective at coaching?

We live in the information age. People almost always already know what they need to do. If you have ever tried to give the average person advice, then you understand the futility of adding to the already neglected pile of information. What people need is to be invited into an epiphany of their own. As a coach, you can facilitate this by asking the next, best question. Repeatedly.

In fact, I challenge you to only ask questions and refrain from giving advice. Offer 5 (be willing to do 10!), 15-minute sessions (about any area of life) where you practice the art of listening so that you can ask better and better questions. Questions so direct that they pry open the heart of your clients and allow them to be seen in a way that is profound. It is rare that people have deep, meaningful conversations about their own life. It is even more rare that they have an unbiased, inquisitive ear listening for the words beneath their words. Words that want out but may never have been spoken before.

When you hear a lilt in their voice or a clip in their cadence, that is the indication that the conversation wants to turn in a different direction. This is where you can choose to be bold. Summon your courage to allow the conversation to takes its course without your direction. The shakti is palpable at these points in the conversation and She wants to be heard. Listen. Ask about what you just heard, “I heard your voice change, what is that about?”.

There will be a temptation to guess or direct what comes next. Resist the temptation to lead. Continue to dance, with the shakti in the lead, as you breathe deeply, listen broadly, and remain curious. Keep your body relaxed. If an idea pops into your head about what to ask next, go with it. Even if it seems unrelated. You do this work because you care, not because you’re an expert, and your care is rooted in the wisdom of love. Let love lead.

You have probably heard of the idea that our reality is a reflection of our beliefs. What a conversation heavy with questions does is anchor the container of intimate conversation so that our beliefs about ourselves can be exposed to the fresh air of inquiry. And whatever doesn’t stand up to that inquiry is seen for what it is – limiting, and usually false, belief. Use the following questions (inspired by The Coaching Habit by Michael Bungay Stanier) if you need something to grab onto but I encourage you to preference your intuition:

• When did this first become an issue for you?
• What do you really want?
• What’s stopping you?
• If you don’t get on the other side of this, what will it look like in 2, 5, 10 years?
• If X were solved, what would change for you?
• What’s the real challenge for you?
• Anything else?

At this point, after about 14 minutes, you will have already wanted to give advice. You may have accidentally given it. You may think you know what they need to feel better. You may think you know exactly how to resolve their issue. Make no mistake, your advice would be stellar. But don’t give it. Intelligent, eager-for-help people regularly find reasons why good advice won’t work for them. Ambitious, effective people will rebel against being told what to do. It doesn’t matter if you’re right. Autonomy matters. Instead, ask them what was the most valuable part of this conversation. Take note of what they say. Then thank them for trusting you and ask if they would like you to follow up with them next week. If they say yes, in your follow-up you can give them one small next step to take.

Effective coaching requires good questions which demands deep listening which necessitates space. Give them space. Space in between your questions, space to hear themselves talk, space to be blown away by the obvious next step that they now can see they should take. Space for their epiphany.  

After doing this challenge, you will have strengthened the question-asking muscle to such a degree that it will take over in your coaching sessions. After the challenge, when you occasionally do drop knowledge (possibly in the form of advice) it will land with precision and clarity. You’ll be an effective coach. Not because you know everything, but because you dared to ask the next question. Please share your experience with me, I might have a few questions!