Throughout my career as a Wellness professional, I’ve seen the need for improved self esteem, confidence, and self-love in many of my clients. So why aren’t we talking about it?

I believe that it’s the one thing many of us are here to learn. To truly love ourselves. This is the common thread for so many people whom I have worked with over the past 30 years. And it’s one of the biggest factors that prevents them from healing their own lives.

So why do we cling so tightly to our choice to not love ourselves? Why does the declaration of love for one’s self seem taboo? For each person, there are different reasons. Family environment, social surroundings, economic status, gender, race, religion can all play a role.

Still, I feel there is a greater problem at play here beyond our personal environment. It’s the problem is that not loving ourselves has actually served us in some way. At some point in our lives, it became easier to go with the flow of lowering our self esteem. It feels safer to comply than to rebuke what the world around has implied is our reality. Even when that’s not true. In an attempt to protect us from the outside world’s opinions, we became part of the problem. And so, many go on feeling unworthy because, in some way, that has been what they were told they were. And then those messages became our beliefs about ourselves.

Here is some of the misconstrued thinking I have heard over the years;

“I don’t deserve to love myself.”

“A good person loves others first.”

“We should put others before ourselves.”

“We must please those around us, or risk ridicule and judgement.”

“I’d rather not rock the boat.”

“It’s easier to continue to hurt myself than to allow the world to hurt me anymore.”

These words are heartbreaking, yet I can relate because I used to believe some of these things too! But beliefs can be changed. I have since turned those false beliefs around and I am no longer afraid to love myself. It might be a long, slow road to accept and eventually learn to love one’s self. But iif I can do this then you can too.

It’s time to stop beating yourself up. Time to learn ways to accept and honor yourself. Learning to love ourselves is not an overnight job. A few years worth of effort may have to go in to reverse the damages done. And even then, some of the emotional baggage may still be carried with you. Yet, there is hope. You can learn to change how you feel about yourself. To see yourself as worthy, and loveable, and as enough just as you are.

We have been fed a lie by the world around us that we are less than whole. The first step is to acknowledge this. Then we can start to look for small ways to start bringing in practices to improve the way we feel about ourselves.Learning to care for your body, mind and spirit with nurturing movement, a healthy diet, self compassion and self forgiveness, are the best places to start. Keep things simple and choose gentle changes at first. Start with the suggestions below, and work with them for a while. Notice how they begin to shift the way you feel towards yourself over time.

Take a moment.  Take sacred time for yourself every day. Numerous times.  Each morning, pause in the shower or bath, close your eyes and take a few slow breaths. Tell yourself that these few moments are for you only. There is no rush, you are worth this 30 seconds to pause and breath some kindness into your body. Assure yourself that even if you don’t know how yet, you are willing to feel loving thoughts toward yourself. – This is a very slow starting place, but it can be effective over time. Keep gifting yourself these few moments each day for as long as it takes until you begin to notice that you start to look forward to this sacred time of yours. Increase these moments over time and begin to bring them in more places throughout your day. At bedtime, during a lunch break, mid-afternoon. This practice can be very subtle yet powerful.

Massage your skin with oil. The art of touch is a very powerful tool for shifting how we feel towards our bodies. We can learn to forgive the body for its perceived faults and imperfections. For seemingly letting us down and not being the perfect image of what we thought it should be. And we can connect to the body to bring in healing and improve self confidence.

Choose an organic oil like sunflower seed oil, olive oil, or coconut oil. After you bathe or shower is an opportune time to massage your body. If you feel awkward about giving your whole body a rub down, then simply start with the hands and the feet. Lay out an old towel that you don’t mind getting a little oil stained. Don’t use your good towels. Sit somewhere comfortably – perhaps on a folded towel. Pour a small amount of the oil into your palms and rub the oil between the palms to warm it. You can add a little more oil later as you need it. Begin to gently rub the oil onto the feet or the hands. Use a soft touch to begin, and massage all the fingers and toes. Move on to gently wring the hands (or feet) with a firm squeezing action. Work to your comfort level with this. You may wish to close your eyes and soften your breath. With the eyes closed simply notice how this feels. If you are comfortable with your massage you may choose to move up to the wrist or the ankles, then even further up the limbs. Work up the body as far as you feel comfortable. Make sure not to rush your massage.

Devote time for this at least a few times per week. You can eventually increase to a daily morning and evening massage. This will also help you connect more deeply with your body. As your massage evolves, you can begin to tell your body kind things and thank it for all your body does for you each day. Breathing, pumping blood to your heart and so on. Forgive your body – or better yet, you can ask your body to forgive you for any harm you may have caused it in the past.Send some loving kindness into the cells and tissues of your body. And watch how this changes your feelings toward yourself over time. Self massage can be a deeply self loving method for healing emotion and pain.

Say, “Hello” to your mirror. How often have you looked in the mirror and cringed or criticized the face looking back at you? Probably many, if not hundreds of times.  Looking at our own face in the mirror is sometimes tough. Certainly most of us are not taught to look with love into the image staring back at us. This may be a difficult practice to begin, and yet this is a powerful way to open a more loving dialogue with ourselves.

You can use your bathroom mirror or a compact handheld one if you like. Begin by looking at your own eyes. Try to hold your own gaze for a count of 10. While you do this, offer a soft smile to yourself. Breathe. For some people this can be incredibly tough, so hang in there. This is big work.  Next, while still looking into your eyes, say these words to yourself, “Hello, (your name). I am willing to love you.” You may need many attempts over a few days or even weeks before you feel comfortable enough to move deeper into conversation with your mirror self.

When you feel ready, offer these words to yourself, “ I love you, I really, really love you.” Again, this may be very difficult, yet the effort over time is worth the payoff. As you become more comfortable with this exercise you may notice how it positively affects your self esteem and confidence.

Healthy Eating. This one may seem obvious, yet time and time again, I have come across people who haven’t realized the connection between how they feel mentally, emotionally and physically to what they are eating. Cleaning up our diet by removing excess sugar, fats and processed foods can have a rewarding effect on our overall health and mental well being. This plays out in how we feel in so many ways. From the common feelings of guilt for overeating, eating junk food and beverages, to the mood swings related to a sugar crash, or the anxiety connected with too much caffeine use. When we begin to cut back or eliminate unhealthy substances, we actually improve our mood. And our emotional state will shift as a result of stepping out of the self guilt cycle that many feel after choosing to eat junk that we know is not good for us.

Beyond consciously choosing to eat unhealthy foods and then feel bad about it, there are also chemical effects on our physiology occurring that you might not be conscious of. These side-effects can be detrimental. They stand in the way of our capacity to feel love towards ourselves by making us feel more lethargic, cranky and less patient. Combat these food-related cycles by adding in more healthy foods. Eat your veggies! Shift to bigger portions of vegetables and fruits, leaving less room on your plate for the other stuff. An increase of real fruit and vegetables into your diet, not canned, processed, or packaged ones, will boost your vitamin, mineral and fibre intake. Which improves your body’s ability to manage the hormones that affect your moods. This is a win, win situation. Not only can your body, then function better physically, your mood also improves too. It’s easier to feel good about ourselves when we are in a more positive mood.

Hold these practices close and keep them to yourself in the beginning. Think of your process as fragile and delicate. Be kind and gentle. Practice them consistently. And, over time, you can begin to move toward accepting yourself more and eventually liking parts of yourself, and then loving yourself again.

For many years I have taught a workshop called “Finding your Authentic Voice.”  I have done so much research, workshops, seminars and self inquiry practices, I thought had a direct connection to my own inner wisdom. I assumed after 64 years on the planet and being an elder in the Anusara Yoga and Yoga healer communities I had it down. I had done many decades of navel gazing.  I thought I knew myself pretty well. And then the retreat happened…

Yoga Healer Retreat in SD

I came back from the amazing gathering in South Dakota with the Yoga Healer Tribe feeling empowered and completely torn open. My inner introvert came out of the closet. I haven’t  seen her in years. I have been suppressing her for decades. The expressed ex-actress/ singer extrovert I have embodied for the  past 50 years went into hiding. It was surreal!

Our hike to Mt Rushmore after a week with Cate Stillman’s Yoga Health Coaching tribe in South Dakota Fall 2017.

 My Journey out of the Cocoon

I remember my first opportunity to break out of my painful shyness. I was in the 8th grade. It was 1968. I was invited to perform at a talent show in front of the whole middle school. I was terrified!  I took my guitar on stage and sang “As Tears Go By” by the Rolling Stones. I was a huge hit. People reacted to me differently after performing in that assembly. My mom was there and began to treat me with a bit more respect and recognition.

I got the bug and wanted get back on stage. I became a folk musician and then an actress/singer. My deep desire to get that attention that I never got as a small kid eventually brought me to NYC where I pursued an acting career.

Pivotal Moment

This pivotal moment in middle school broke me out of a painful shell. Here I was in South Dakota wanting to go back in. What the heck was going on?

Unleashing unprocessed grief

When I came back to NYC and went to my PT appointment, I found out that the woman that helped me to walk again after a painful bike injury was quitting her job and going on a huge year long adventure with her fiancé. I burst into tears. I am happy for her and realized something got punctured in her parting. The self directed, together, forward thinking, organized, goal oriented successful business woman was falling apart.  

Where was all this grief coming from?

Wake Up Call

My accident was the most significant wake up call in my life so far. It was as momentous as that moment on stage in 8th grade. My life will never be the same. I am beyond grateful to my PT, Beth Delman. I wish her well in her new adventure and her new marriage.  Her leaving revealed something to me.  (Back on my Bike Again- How I Recovered after a Traumatic Injury)

Graduating PT

For the past year since my injury I have been in overdrive to achieve my goal. I am closer than ever to attaining it. Beth shared that she was so happy that I had come so far that she felt I was close to graduating from PT  in the next couple of months! Om Namah Shivaya!

Once I saw that I was nearing the end of my ordeal I was able to let my guard down. I have actually come close to achieving what I set out to do. I am now mostly  walking without a limp, I am able to demonstrate a lot more in my yoga classes and do more yoga. I am back on my bike and definitely improving my strength and flexibility.

Letting my guard down

I realized that I was overriding my emotions all those months to accomplish my goal … this phase was over! I began to let my guard down and start to process the trauma, the loss, the pain and fear that I was suppressing all those months. They were tears of relief and deep sadness the had been stored in my body for 12 months.  It felt so good to let er rip!

Unleashing my Inner Introvert

Jackie finding her balance on a hike near Mt Rushmore. This was my first hike after my accident a year ago 9/13/16. So happy to be hiking again and with such sweet company!

It is so interesting the timing of this. I was shocked to discover that my authentic voice in South Dakota was unleashing my inner introvert. Now that she has been outed I can be more myself in this amazing community of women. What a relief! If I want to be a star I can do that. If I want to stay in the background I can do that as well. I gave myself permission to be exactly where I was without judgment. There is no pressure to be anything more than I truly am.

Again my PT has been such an amazing teacher in my life. I am beyond grateful for this journey. How can I be saying that about that near fatal accident that could have ended my career as a yoga instructor and put me on disability the rest of my life?   It was the wake up call to my Authentic voice. May she come out in all her shyness, goofiness and sweetness.  
I am getting to like this part of  myself more and more.

Lessons Learned

Being in a tribe of like minded people who really get you and allow you to be who you are will give you the courage to face your inner demons. The place inside you that lies hidden behind the mask we show the world. This Radical Self Acceptance  will help you find a hidden power. You will experience more confidence, more empowerment, more authenticity. When you tell the truth to yourself and others you become very peaceful and at home in your own skin.

Cate Stillman’s Yoga Healer’s tribe is highly recommended. I feel so much love and support in this group and it is not competitive or catty!  Whats UP with that?!!

Finding my Own Unique Voice

The vulnerability that came out in South Dakota in front of my colleagues was so surprising. I was peeling away a layer of my self image that I had manufactured 50 years ago.  What was underneath was a part of me that was ok with my discomfort about being on stage. That was fine to not be the center of attention.

That was comfortable stepping into a more support role than a starring role. That was happy to be in this great company.

I was comparing myself to others. I was not particularly thrilled with not being able to go on daily hikes with the group. I wanted to share my talent as a gift to the group, but was not up to it physically or energetically. I felt that navigating my energy with my 3 roommates, the energy of the group and the long days was enough for this trip.

These two beauties, Neve and Jessica, are in my mentoring group for Yoga Health Coachng. We are enjoying the fruits of connecting with Cate Stilman’s YHC tribe in South Dakota.

Intergenerational Community

Before the injury I haven’t especially felt “older.” I always feel young for my age. I went to a class reunion last summer before my accident and was in much better health than my contemporaries with a few exceptions. In Cate’s community there are elders but there are also a great gathering of Millennials!  I love the diversity and intergenerational nature of this group.  I am inspired by all these amazing women. 

Take Away – Find your Tribe

I am OK as I am. When I see the fullness of who I am and what I did to break out of that shell and where it took me in my life, I am so grateful for my courage and sense of adventure. I look what this shy little introvert has accomplished and I am dumbfounded!

What I want everyone to know is whatever you have been hiding from the world whether it be some secret persona like me or a place inside you that doesn’t feel safe, if you surround yourself with the right tribe, they will encourage you to be yourself. In that coming out you will find your own Authentic voice. It will empower you. I invite you to find your tribe. It is well worth the journey.

Neve and Jackie finished our hike Blissed out on a day with the Yoga Healer Tribe in the Black Hills of South Dakota.

5 Tips for your Inner Introvert/ Call to Action

1. Join a conscious community. Ask to join the Vibrant Grace-filled Warrior’s Tribe on Facebook (a facebook group I monitor and contribute to every week) Participate!.
2. If you feel like being alone, ask for alone time from your partner, kids, family members. Take some time to journal, meditate, walk in nature. Enjoy the stillness. Set boundaries.
3. When you are in the mood to step forward accept that this is a part of you. Acceptance is a daily practice. Journal your tendency to judge yourself.
4. Check out this article about amazingly successful  introverts ( Barak Obama, Rosa Parks, Albert Einstein, Bill Gates…)
5. Each step along the way is here to help us awaken. When an obstacle arises notice your reaction. Do you want to hide? Face your inner demons of unworthiness head on. Develop strategies to help through life’s challenges. You don’t have to sacrifice your personal power because you feel drawn to being quiet and in the background.  

Our Hostess, Batool with the 4 roomies, Marcia, Jackie, Neve and Jessica. We felt so welcomed and cared for by Batool and her staff at the Rushmore Hotel in Rapid City.

You can also join Jackie for her next Body Evolves, Yoga Health Coaching course, January 2018. Jackie is also co-lead a yoga retreat  Empower your Life Vision with Tiffany Wood Thanksgiving weekend November 24-26 at Kripalu. Jackie is also presenting workshops at  Samavesha in Mexico March 1-4.2018 , the next Anusara Yoga Gathering.