How do we know when we have lost our voice?

Finding your voice, your moxie, your sparkle – is it all one?  I think so.  There is an energetic connection to everything that is you.  Finding your voice can be manifested in many ways. It may be through verbal communication,  dance, music, art, writing, cooking or any other endeavor that is uniquely you. We are all born with a “voice” but dealt different cards in life. Life events can shift how we speak and how we show up in the world.  So, how do we know when we have lost our voice?  Some people shut down when there is controversy or when challenged. Some of us may have been emotionally or physically wounded which made it hard to speak up. Others still may be raised with the belief that we are not to bring attention to ourselves.  For me, it is a combination of the above. I grew up in a house where we didn’t talk about daily events.  My dad died when I was 9. My earliest memories of him are of looking at the stars together and helping him in and out of his wheelchair.  My mom worked as a registered nurse. In the 1960’s nurses worked shifts; 7-3, 3-11, and 11-7. Not very conducive for sleep or overall health.  When my dad died my mother’s migraine headaches got worse and she went into a depression. As kids we did not talk about our day as often she was at work or in her room with the door closed. My sister and I grew up “figuring it out”, whether it be what to eat for dinner or preparing for school in the morning.  There wasn’t much conversation between me and my mom, so my opinions and concerns were not acknowledged. I don’t remember often having conversations with adults, just others kids on the block, or me in my head, attempting to navigate life. Sometimes this was okay. Other times not so good. 

As an adult, I found that I housed some of these old beliefs and residue from my early childhood, which made for poor communication.   I am not naturally good at engaging in and maintaining long conversations, especially when there is an emotional charge. In the past, if there was an emotional charge to a conversation, I gave my opinion and left. A drive by conversationalist.  For me it was the belief that I had to rely on myself.  I had done this for so long, it was my normal. When faced with a problem, I will try to figure it out myself rather that ask for help and support.  Asking for support still feels foreign. I am working on my verbal confidence, which to me means having the ability to articulate and own my thoughts and feelings; to understand that feedback does not mean failure. 

Developing your voice can be a challenging task.  It begins with acknowledging beliefs and behavioral patterns and stepping up to challenge them.  I have found self-reflection and enduring my own limitations to be excruciating but I understand now, you don’t have to live there.  You can’t change the deck but you can reshuffle it.

“Chip away at parts of your self to find the amazing.  The process of learning involves failure. Discomfort is the price of admission for anything worthwhile” 

Zack Woods

Voice your needs

If you listen to a Yogahealer podcasts, you may notice that while the topics dive in multiple directions, the speaker’s tend to provoke thought.  Cate recently chatted with Alexandra Epple. The topic was voicing your needs and how to ask for support. This really hit home for me. Alexandra and Cate discussed what happens when you are not heard or when you do not ask for support.  If we do not ask for support and keep our emotions inside, we are at risk for developing a breeding ground for anger and resentment.  The first step is to get clear on what you are asking for.  What is it that you need?   If there is an emotion attached to the need, explore the emotion and get clear on what the charge is about. Then, with clarity, find a time which works for both parties to discuss the issue.

We all need guidance, space, and time in order to change and become the next level of ourselves. In asking for help, we are humbled. We admit that we are interdependent, not isolated, and that we affect each other. 

Cate Stillman

You may have already noticed that your health habits do not exist in a vacuum. We are both affected by the habits of those around us and the habits of those around us affect us. If we want to maintain both our personal health habits and our relationships, we need to have good communication skills and be able to ask for support when we need it.   One way to do this is setting a time for weekly family meetings and keeping to it. Family meetings can be a platform to discuss the upcoming week, or events/issues members may need others support on. It can also be a great place to check in with your kids on how they are feeling at school, and ways to keep your family or household happy, healthy and safe. The more you develop your voice, the easier it is to act as an advocate for your child or community.  It takes a village.

I Could Not Say No

I found myself working longer hours than everyone else. I rarely said no to many work or volunteer requests that came my way. I would teach late night yoga classes, and I developed workshops while I tried to expand business at my yoga studio. I even lead community projects like organizing a donation box for our local women’s shelter through my yoga studio, running a mitten drive for our local food bank, and offering free karma yoga in the park! I was overworked, under-rested, hungry and tired. I would skid through the busyness of my days and when I would finally get home at the end of each day, I began to reach for a glass of wine (or two) to numb out. Too tired to cook a proper meal, I would make those quick fix meals from the freezer, or order takeout from restaurants. And weekends were not much different as they became an excuse to let my hair down and party, after all, I had worked hard long hours throughout the week. I was trying to justify it with the excuse that this is the norm, this was okay, this is just what we do.

The Price I Paid

Inevitably, every habit choice has its price. Eventually, my body began acting out with many different symptoms. First, there was swelling and pain in the joints for which the doctor wanted to send me for testing to the arthritis clinic, yet instinctively I knew it wasn’t arthritis. Next came the scare of swollen lymphs in my right underarm, and the development of a small lump in the breast tissue. This lead to a mammogram and a number of ultrasound check-ups over a period of several months. All bringing me to an overall feeling that I was headed down a terribly scary road…

A Little Voice Became a Scream

I began to hear a little voice inside telling me that I had to change things, that I couldn’t keep going this way, and that I deeply needed a rest. But how? I had so many commitments, maybe if just pushed through, maybe if I worked a little harder! I continued to ignore my real need for deeper nourishment. And soon that little voice started to become more like a scream.  I was certain that I was on the edge of a complete and total break-down. Mentally I was in overload, I was cranky at the end of each day and I begrudged having to get up each morning, let alone go off to work at my day job at a local financial institution, where part of my duties each day were to be kind, supportive and understanding, while using my skills to diffuse people’s frustrations, agitations and fears around their money issues. And I was held to a high standard. I couldn’t make any errors to the many varied transactions required of me each day, challenging to say the least. To top it all off, my workplace had been robbed several months earlier, my co-workers were traumatized, leaving us short-staffed. So those of us who stayed on didn’t even have the time to process it all. I worked 5 days per week without lunch breaks for many months while still running my yoga studio! What a mess! My stress levels were high and I kept holding up the facade that everything was okay was just too much… I decided the cost to my health wasn’t worth all the overload.  I finally gave in and chose instead to honor and listen to my inner voice.

My Body Was Crying For Attention

I realized that all my health issues were my body’s way of giving me a wake-up call.  And I decided I wasn’t having any part of it anymore. Nope! I was not going to have my body create a disease, or an illness or a breakdown as a design plan for getting out of my overly busy life! I was not going to eat & drink myself into an early grave, I was not willing to risk a heart attack like my grandmother had experienced in her early fifties, and I am not feeding cancer cells like both my parents had, nor diabetes, or arthritis or any of it! Not in this lifetime! I Quit my Job. I knew I had to make some serious life changes…I began to step out from it all. I made arrangements to leave my full-time job, slowly cutting my hours down until they could replace me, I scaled down the number of extra hours I was teaching at my yoga studio, I backed out of some of the volunteer positions that I wasn’t enjoying as much anymore… I stopped reaching for that glass of wine to cope and started reaching out to find healthier ways to move forward and leave stress behind.

The Teacher Appears

Remember that saying, when the student is ready, the teacher appears? Well, I believe it’s true. When we listen to that inner voice and begin to follow those messages, we are lead to situations, people, places and things that help us along in our journey. I began to listen more deeply and feel in to which direction I wanted to head in next, I had the distinct feeling that I needed to somehow go deeper into my yoga and wellness career. Perhaps I needed a mentor or a program with like-minded people who understood my passion for wellness and health or to find a tribe who could nurture and support me in the direction that my soul was calling out for. I considered taking an advanced yoga teacher training but nothing seemed to be the right fit. Then by chance,  I began to notice a few posts on Facebook by Cate Stillman of Yogahealer. I felt drawn to watch some of Cate’s videos and became more curious about what she was talking about. I liked what she was sharing about optimizing your health and shifting your identity towards thriving. I wanted to know more. So I followed the thread and found Cate’s program, Body Thrive. Instinctively I knew this was the program for me and I signed up! Through the Body Thrive program, I learned how to incorporate daily healthy habits into my own life in ways that helped simplify the structure of my day and give it a routine that actually creates more space for me each day. I also found a wonderful mentor in Cate Stillman, whose knowledge is vast and whose vision is in line with my goals as a wellness practitioner.  I also found a supportive and nurturing group, a tribe of people who understand my passion for yoga and wellness, and my personal evolution. Because I listened to my inner voice and began to follow the steps that I was guided to take, I removed the stress from my life. I now take time to honor my body, eat healthy, sleep more, and nurture myself with the habits of Body Thrive. As a result, I no longer suffer any symptoms of swelling in the joints, and the lumps in my breast and underarm have disappeared and are no longer of concern. I knew it was stress acting out in my body, trying to get my attention. Now,  I awaken each day feeling refreshed and happy about life. I have an ease of living throughout my day and I feel more like myself again. I am now working for myself full-time. Both my yoga business and Yoga Health Coaching business are growing organically from a place of ease rather than from me trying to push or force things. And, I have begun to slowly un-schedule more of the unnecessary things from my day-to-day life.

Pause and Check In

Before I choose to add anything new to my daily schedule or say yes to any request for my time, I pause to feel in and determine whether or not it belongs on my calendar. I check to see if it is inline with my goals and intentions. If it is not a good fit, I have learned to say a polite “no thanks” and move on.  I also now make it a priority to schedule-in playtime and me-time to simply be still and fill up! And to listen to that inner wisdom and guidance. I am truly surprised by the changes that have occurred to me in the last year. My outlook on life is improved, my body’s health is vibrant and my business is growing at a steady rate. I can’t wait to see how I will evolve over the next year, or two, or three and beyond.…And, of course, I am leaving lots of room in my schedule for that!

How to Listen to That Little Voice

When that little voice inside starts trying to get your attention to tell you that you are overscheduled, stressed and out of alignment with your own integrity, stop and listen.

Here are a few suggestions to help you get started:

• Begin by taking a rest! Even when you are incredibly busy, you can still find a few minutes to pause. Try taking a nice long bath with some epsom salts, maybe drop in a few flower petals. Make it special… If baths are not your thing, then find a comfy chair to sit in or lay on your bed and try some slow breathing gently counting your breaths in out. Light a candle or set out some flowers to help create a relaxed mood. Give yourself 20 minutes or more to focus on relaxing the muscles of your body from head to toe. Let go of any thoughts that keep you from relaxing. If you find yourself going into worry or guilt, tell yourself that you are only taking 20 minutes, and that you can worry or stress if you must later! But for now you are resting and nurturing your body and your mind. Keep coming back to your breath, relax and let go.
• In this relaxed state ask yourself what changes you’d like to make in your life. Be honest with yourself and really listen to that inner voice. Jot down any messages that come to you in a private journal or notebook. Keep these thoughts safe if you need to. Sometimes, it can be better to keep new steps you are taking safe and sacred, only sharing with those who we know will support our growth.     
• If nothing comes at first, that is okay, you can try again later. You may need to practice this a few times. Set up another rest and relaxation appointment with yourself for the next day and keep trying. Eventually something will come, sometimes it just takes some practice listening in.
• Next, take some time to grab a calendar or print a few blank calendar pages that you can write in. Grab some colored markers or pens. Give yourself about 15 minutes for this. Write everything you currently do each week/month down on the calendar in one color. Be sure to get it all. For example; write down when you exercise, your work schedule, and meetings or volunteer events. Include driving kids to sports or making pies for the PTA or teaching yoga in the evening. Get it all down.
• From here take a moment to look over your calendar, grab a different colored marker and begin to draw a line through the tasks or events that you really don’t enjoy anymore or that bring you stress. Some of these may or may not be things that you can take off your list right away, that’s okay. Remember this is only a first draft. Next, circle the tasks or events that you could possibly let go of. And make some small changes where you can by eliminating those tasks that you have circled.

It’s okay to take your time with this process. For some, changing the calendar may take longer. Be patient with yourself, make small changes that you can stick to and make more changes when you can. Make sure you add some free time to your calendar a few times each week and don’t fill those free-time moments with appointments, use them to relax or play, or dance, or read or sit out in nature under a tree. Guard them with as much conviction as you do your work schedule or your doctor appointments, or anything else that is important to you. Your time must begin to become valuable. Keep listening to that inner voice and keep fine-tuning your work/play/life balance and eventually, you will get there. Be patient, loving and kind, you got this!