While some of us are blessed with a fun and festive holiday season, many of us or not. Some of us dread the holidays. Challenging relationship dynamics can spark a big blow up, or at a minimum grind on our nerves in a way that makes us feel neither merry nor bright. Gatherings with family, co-workers, or neighbors who have the ability to push our buttons can put a real damper on the holidays.

What’s a self-aware, big-hearted, peace-loving person to do?

I sat down, coach-to-coach, with Lael Petersen, Yoga Health Coach and Licensed Clinical Social Worker to get some TIPS on how to navigate relationship challenges so that you can enjoy the season and stay true to yourself. Read our informative conversation below.

Kirstin: Understanding ourselves in the context of our relationships is key to self-care. I’ve learned this in my own personal growth and in the lives of the women I coach. I know that we have the power to make changes in our relationships that support our own well-being. Do you see this in your work as a coach and therapist?  

Lael: Absolutely. In my coaching group, we’ve gotten to observe big relationship breakthroughs. Women who are committed to personal growth and self-care often find that they need to renegotiate the terms of their relationships so they can prioritize themselves. As a therapist, relationships are a central concern to many of my clients as well.

Kirstin: With the holidays upon us, and the potential for relationship challenges looms large. What do we need to understand that will help us show up more fully to events and festivities with grace and ease?

Lael: We need to understand fear. Fear makes things feel larger and scarier than they are. Fear shuts down the part of our brains that are responsible for making plans and decisions. When fear is activated, we don’t think clearly and can’t come up with options. When fear is in control, we tend to stay stuck in old patterns, and we are stuck repeating the same tensions, arguments, and hurt feelings year after year.

Kirstin: Yoga Health Coaches learn a lot about breaking old habits and patterns. What is the first thing you would tell one of your coaching clients if she was feeling the fear of a holiday-induced relationship meltdown?

Lael: Permission. You have the right to have a happy holiday. You have permission to NOT spend time with people who are challenging. You have permission to CHANGE how you spend time with the person. You have CONTROL over how you interact with the people around you.

Kirstin: Permission to put yourself first is a big growth area for a lot of us. Why is this so challenging?

Lael: Permission brings up our beliefs about what good a person, mother, or daughter would do or not do. If there is tension between who you really are, and who you believe you are supposed to be, it feels uncomfortable. It can be fear-provoking. You might feel the anxiety rising right now just talking about doing things differently.

Kirstin: Yes! I can feel a little edginess when I think about how it would feel to give myself permission to do things differently. I have pretty good relationships with most of my family, but I don’t always feel like I can totally be myself with them. What do you suggest?

Lael: I have three tips for you. First, identify your intention for the season, and keep it top of mind from now until the new year. If your intention is to make the holidays rich in experiences rather than expensive in terms of gifts, fancy dinners, travel, etc., keep that in mind when planning events and accepting or declining invitations.

Kirstin: Focusing on an intention is so important, but easy to lose track of in the frenzy of holidays. What do you suggest?

Lael: You have to keep reminding yourself! Write your intention on a post-it note and place it where you’ll see it – your bathroom mirror, the refrigerator, the dashboard of your car – so you’ll be reminded. Another way is to choose a piece of jewelry that you designate as your “intention memento.” When it catches your eye, or you feel it on your skin, take that as a cue to check in with yourself and ask if you are staying true to your intention or need to make some changes to your plans.

Kirstin: That first tip was kind of a twofer. Set an intention. Then find ways to remind yourself and check in to be sure you are making choices that align with your desires and needs. What are your other two tips?

Lael: The other two tips are about planning ahead to set yourself up for success. Use your brain in a calm state to prepare and rehearse a few one-liners that will help you change the energy and the subject when needed. For example, “Oh Mom, Let’s not go there today. Let’s just enjoy the holiday.” A one-liner like that one will allow you to change the subject without too much drama.

The other part of planning ahead is to put support in place ahead of time. Make a plan with your partner, favorite cousin, or compassionate co-worker who can provide support, distractions, or help you ease out of an uncomfortable conversation if needed.

Kirstin: Perfect. Anything else before we wrap this up?

Lael: Don’t forget to celebrate your success with a reward that will reinforce your intentions and habits for navigating relationship challenges. I don’t mean reward yourself with a cookie and a tall glass of eggnog. Text your trusted support person. Tell yourself, “good job!” and smile at your wins. You’re doing great work to create a more merry holiday, and setting the stage for healthier relationships all year long.

Let’s Review the Steps for Calm and Happy Holidays

1. Understand the Role of Fear. Fear is your inner voice alerting you to possible “danger,” such as the tension between family members or the too-high expectations you feel at work. Thank your fear for the information, and then take a couple deep breaths. Once you’re calm, make a plan for how you will respond to the challenges fear helped you identify.
2. Set an Intention. Take 30 minutes to journal about what you want to do, have, and feel this holiday season. Then write about why this is important to you. Finally, choose a word or short phrase that will remind you of this intention. Post it on your bathroom mirror so you can be reminded of it every day.
3. Plan Your One-Liners. Think about the likely interactions that may ruffle your feathers, and pick one or two one-liners that you can use when needed. It’s not crazy to practice this with your spouse or a friend so they come out naturally, even when you’re a little flustered.
4. Get Support From Trusted Friends and Family. Grab chai with a friend and talk about your intention, your one-liners, and ask for support. Make a plan to text your friend when you are feeling stressed, or for her to check in on you each week.
5. Give Yourself Permission to Have a Happy Holiday. ‘Nuff said. You deserve to be as happy as anyone else.  

My conversation with Lael reminded me of this quote: “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.”

Perhaps these words from Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh will be a starting point for your planning and intention setting. I hope you’ll use the tips Lael shared to give yourself permission to be true to yourself regardless of the relationship dynamics you’ll encounter this season. With some pre-planning and support, you can navigate relationship challenges with a sense of ease.

How will you create the holiday you truly want this year? Please tell me of your trials and successes in the comment section below. I am here for you!

Tarpana is a practice that helps to clears your ancestral karma. It is one of the practices of Ayurveda that encourage you to remove the karmic burdens you carry and free yourselves to live your lives empowered and connected to the Self: the place of expansion, bliss, and freedom at the core of your being.

When for example, your family has obsessiveness around food, this could possibly relate to a time when there was scarcity around food and your ancestors were literally starving. Have you inherited an innate fear about not having enough to eat or enough money?

My parents grew up in the depression and had to feed a lot of people on very little money. Saving money, not trusting banks, getting out of debt was not a luxury, it was drilled into our being. We started savings accounts at age nine. They passed on a deep fear around money and a feeling that there was never enough onto us. As a result, I tend to work too much and not have enough time for fun, to hang with family, or cultivate social interactions. I am work and success obsessed.

The practice of Tarpana helped me release some of my fear around money. I found that my heart became a lot lighter. I started attracting more clients and have become more easeful around enrolling my programs. That fear of not having enough has started to lift.

My teacher, Cate Stillman, recommends that you do this process quite frequently. It can be done once a year on an anniversary or birthday. If there is a lot of karma to burn, then practice tarpana once a month.

Family Puja – The Ritual

Sarita Rocco, an Ayurvedic practitioner, and yoga teacher recommends creating a Family Puja or altar. This will help you communicate with your ancestors. She suggests that we should not put any living people on this Puja. You are honoring those who have passed on. This creates more clarity in communicating with the ancestors. Add sacred objects like crystals, candles, incense, flowers to this special ancestral puja..

The Ritual

The ritual is really specific. You remember the first level of your ancestors. Perhaps it is your parents or grandparents. You then continue to go back up to seven generations. You will not have as many details or a personal relationship past your grandparents or great grandparents, but the idea is to clear patterns of behavior that have been around for many generations.

For example, perhaps there is a history of alcoholism or drug addiction that goes back several generations. Perhaps there is a history of violence (physical or mental), obesity, diabetes, cancer, eating disorders, mental illness, depression anxiety…

Committing to do the work and clearing the patterns you become the “Golden Link”, breaking the generational stream of behavior or tendencies. My fellow teacher, Rudrani Farbman, recommends doing rituals, practices and some serious self-inquiry to become this “Golden Link”. All of this work is a part of the practice of Yoga called Atma Vichara or self inquiry.

Laws of Karma

In the yoga community, we talk about cause and effect and the study of Karma. Carlos Pomeda, a Sanskrit scholar, and teacher of yoga philosophy was clear that most of us have a Facebook understanding of Karma. He explains that you constantly see on Facebook people sharing that they are not worried because the creep that left them, the idiot that cut them off in traffic, or the boss that fired them will get what is coming to them through the laws of Karma. Almost like vengeance is mine!!  

The simplistic vengeance theory is flawed. There is no one counting grace and penance in the sky keeping track on a giant abacus. However, we are accumulating the effects of our choices. If I stay up late working on this blog I will feel really tired and foggy minded tomorrow. I am borrowing on tomorrow’s energy tonight instead of getting my butt to bed to get a full night’s rest.

Right understanding says that cause and effect of karma mean that the behavior and choices we make will have an effect on our health and well being.

How to Break the Samskaras

How to break this Samskara? Samskara is a pattern of behavior that was initiated in early life that becomes automatic and unconscious. 

The Practice

Start by lighting a candle on the family puja. Then place a flower on the altar and light incense. Offer each person something they really loved, going through each generation one by one. It could be their favorite food. A traditional offering which works well if you do not know much about them is to offer them a teaspoon of milk, a teaspoon of water, and a teaspoon of black sesame seeds. After offering it to them, you eat the offering for them. 

No Judgement

Offer them appreciation and gratitude for the gift of life you received through them. Do not judge them for their behavior or choices. Forgive them for what hurt you received around them. Repeat this for each parent, grandparent and great grandparents up to seven generations.

Maya Tiwara recommends “you either carry your ancestors on your back or stand on their shoulders.” When you honor them you stand on their shoulders. When you judge them and carry a grudge about their behavior you are carrying them on your back. 

Notice What Happens

After this ceremony journal and notice, what comes up for you afterward. Keep a dream journal by your bed. Keep track of dreams especially of your ancestors. My Mom appeared in a dream filled with a delicious banquet, beautiful flowers and lots of family members all celebrating. I hadn’t dreamt of my mom in many years. I woke up and did not feel deep sadness. I felt she was there with me celebrating the abundance of love we shared in life that continues now so many years after she has left her body. Her presence was a beautiful gift from doing the Tarpana practice.  

Since doing this ceremony I have experienced a complete shift in abundance in my career. I was invited to present a couple of yoga classes on an online platform called YogaVibes, I won a trip to Antigua at a charity luncheon I attended, I started working with 6 new private clients this week. My summer retreat is almost full and we don’t leave for 2 more months. Wow!

Letting go of resentment and practicing gratitude and forgiveness really works!

I asked my ancestors to please help me release my fear about money and obsession around food and my body. Be careful what you ask for!

Support in breaking Samskaras

To get support in breaking Samskaras connect to a yoga health coach who is skilled at helping to support you in facing the patterns of behavior that keep you stuck in your life.

Yoga Health Coaches help you move through the resistance that is typically associated with our Samskaras. For instance; if you want to let go of your horrible pattern of disturbed sleep, you might need to explore some deep issues you have about not feeling safe in the world.

Through my own journey as a health coach, I am seeing so many folks being able to break bad habits of eating heavier dinners, sleeping 5 hours, waking up groggy with a migraine. They are dropping weight, feeling happier and lighter, letting go of depression and anxiety and feeling more empowered.

These kinds of shifts require us to dig deep. The practice of Tarpana may seem a bit woo woo to you!!  But if it works, woo woo for all your worth! Through this work I am really beginning to feel like the Universe is abundant and there is plenty to see me through my retirement.

If you are ready to get rid of your horrible sleep issues, anxiety, food obsession and overly critical nature that plagued your Mom her whole life, it is time to practice Tarpana.

Start with the family puja.

Be the Golden Link.

Be the Golden link so your kids and their kids will not have a deal with the shadow you have been carrying around your whole life. On the other side is light, freedom and joy.

To connect with me about my next yoga health coaching course, The Body Evolves, go to this link. To find a Yoga Health coach near you to go this link.