While some of us are blessed with a fun and festive holiday season, many of us or not. Some of us dread the holidays. Challenging relationship dynamics can spark a big blow up, or at a minimum grind on our nerves in a way that makes us feel neither merry nor bright. Gatherings with family, co-workers, or neighbors who have the ability to push our buttons can put a real damper on the holidays.

What’s a self-aware, big-hearted, peace-loving person to do?

I sat down, coach-to-coach, with Lael Petersen, Yoga Health Coach and Licensed Clinical Social Worker to get some TIPS on how to navigate relationship challenges so that you can enjoy the season and stay true to yourself. Read our informative conversation below.

Kirstin: Understanding ourselves in the context of our relationships is key to self-care. I’ve learned this in my own personal growth and in the lives of the women I coach. I know that we have the power to make changes in our relationships that support our own well-being. Do you see this in your work as a coach and therapist?  

Lael: Absolutely. In my coaching group, we’ve gotten to observe big relationship breakthroughs. Women who are committed to personal growth and self-care often find that they need to renegotiate the terms of their relationships so they can prioritize themselves. As a therapist, relationships are a central concern to many of my clients as well.

Kirstin: With the holidays upon us, and the potential for relationship challenges looms large. What do we need to understand that will help us show up more fully to events and festivities with grace and ease?

Lael: We need to understand fear. Fear makes things feel larger and scarier than they are. Fear shuts down the part of our brains that are responsible for making plans and decisions. When fear is activated, we don’t think clearly and can’t come up with options. When fear is in control, we tend to stay stuck in old patterns, and we are stuck repeating the same tensions, arguments, and hurt feelings year after year.

Kirstin: Yoga Health Coaches learn a lot about breaking old habits and patterns. What is the first thing you would tell one of your coaching clients if she was feeling the fear of a holiday-induced relationship meltdown?

Lael: Permission. You have the right to have a happy holiday. You have permission to NOT spend time with people who are challenging. You have permission to CHANGE how you spend time with the person. You have CONTROL over how you interact with the people around you.

Kirstin: Permission to put yourself first is a big growth area for a lot of us. Why is this so challenging?

Lael: Permission brings up our beliefs about what good a person, mother, or daughter would do or not do. If there is tension between who you really are, and who you believe you are supposed to be, it feels uncomfortable. It can be fear-provoking. You might feel the anxiety rising right now just talking about doing things differently.

Kirstin: Yes! I can feel a little edginess when I think about how it would feel to give myself permission to do things differently. I have pretty good relationships with most of my family, but I don’t always feel like I can totally be myself with them. What do you suggest?

Lael: I have three tips for you. First, identify your intention for the season, and keep it top of mind from now until the new year. If your intention is to make the holidays rich in experiences rather than expensive in terms of gifts, fancy dinners, travel, etc., keep that in mind when planning events and accepting or declining invitations.

Kirstin: Focusing on an intention is so important, but easy to lose track of in the frenzy of holidays. What do you suggest?

Lael: You have to keep reminding yourself! Write your intention on a post-it note and place it where you’ll see it – your bathroom mirror, the refrigerator, the dashboard of your car – so you’ll be reminded. Another way is to choose a piece of jewelry that you designate as your “intention memento.” When it catches your eye, or you feel it on your skin, take that as a cue to check in with yourself and ask if you are staying true to your intention or need to make some changes to your plans.

Kirstin: That first tip was kind of a twofer. Set an intention. Then find ways to remind yourself and check in to be sure you are making choices that align with your desires and needs. What are your other two tips?

Lael: The other two tips are about planning ahead to set yourself up for success. Use your brain in a calm state to prepare and rehearse a few one-liners that will help you change the energy and the subject when needed. For example, “Oh Mom, Let’s not go there today. Let’s just enjoy the holiday.” A one-liner like that one will allow you to change the subject without too much drama.

The other part of planning ahead is to put support in place ahead of time. Make a plan with your partner, favorite cousin, or compassionate co-worker who can provide support, distractions, or help you ease out of an uncomfortable conversation if needed.

Kirstin: Perfect. Anything else before we wrap this up?

Lael: Don’t forget to celebrate your success with a reward that will reinforce your intentions and habits for navigating relationship challenges. I don’t mean reward yourself with a cookie and a tall glass of eggnog. Text your trusted support person. Tell yourself, “good job!” and smile at your wins. You’re doing great work to create a more merry holiday, and setting the stage for healthier relationships all year long.

Let’s Review the Steps for Calm and Happy Holidays

1. Understand the Role of Fear. Fear is your inner voice alerting you to possible “danger,” such as the tension between family members or the too-high expectations you feel at work. Thank your fear for the information, and then take a couple deep breaths. Once you’re calm, make a plan for how you will respond to the challenges fear helped you identify.
2. Set an Intention. Take 30 minutes to journal about what you want to do, have, and feel this holiday season. Then write about why this is important to you. Finally, choose a word or short phrase that will remind you of this intention. Post it on your bathroom mirror so you can be reminded of it every day.
3. Plan Your One-Liners. Think about the likely interactions that may ruffle your feathers, and pick one or two one-liners that you can use when needed. It’s not crazy to practice this with your spouse or a friend so they come out naturally, even when you’re a little flustered.
4. Get Support From Trusted Friends and Family. Grab chai with a friend and talk about your intention, your one-liners, and ask for support. Make a plan to text your friend when you are feeling stressed, or for her to check in on you each week.
5. Give Yourself Permission to Have a Happy Holiday. ‘Nuff said. You deserve to be as happy as anyone else.  

My conversation with Lael reminded me of this quote: “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.”

Perhaps these words from Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh will be a starting point for your planning and intention setting. I hope you’ll use the tips Lael shared to give yourself permission to be true to yourself regardless of the relationship dynamics you’ll encounter this season. With some pre-planning and support, you can navigate relationship challenges with a sense of ease.

How will you create the holiday you truly want this year? Please tell me of your trials and successes in the comment section below. I am here for you!

I teach my coaching clients how to listen to their own wisdom, life experience, and knowledge. We put knowledge into practice with small, incremental lifestyle changes that give them more energy, better sleep, stronger digestion, and mental clarity. The habits are simple, but not always easy. Making habits stick takes effort!

Will Power is not The Answer

I used to think that willpower was the answer to making changes in my life. I’ve tried many times to restrict my behavior using sheer willpower. I can control and restrain for a while, but eventually my willpower runs out, and I rebel. Often the rebellion ends in a setback, leaving me with even more work to do.

As I learned the concept of habit evolution, I learned the secrets to making habits stick. One of the secrets to lasting change is found in the power of our dynamic groups who hold us accountable to the changes we commit to making.

Accountability, and Why it Works

Psychologists, researchers, and thought leaders offer science-backed techniques and insights that allow us to make habits stick. One of these techniques is accountability.

To be accountable essentially means to comply with an expectation. When you or someone else is expecting you to do something, you are accountable to do that thing. Dr. Robert Cialdini, author of the book Influence: Science & Practice is an expert on why people comply with expectations. Dr. Cialdini’s work has shown that peer influence is a powerful motivator, especially when it comes from a person or group we feel personally close to.

This is peer-power – the influence of an expectation from outside yourself that motivates you to comply with the goals you’ve set. A study done at Dominican University found that accountability among friends is effective in helping people achieve goals. More than 70% of study participants who sent a weekly progress report to a friend achieved their goals (completely achieved or nearly achieved).

Make Peer-Power Work For You

Not everyone responds the same way to expectations. Your unique nature influences how you comply or don’t comply with internal and external expectations. Author Gretchen Rubin offers a framework for understanding how we respond to expectations in her book, “The Four Tendencies.” Rubin organized the patterns into four types, or Tendencies:

• Obliger: Meets external, resists internal expectations
• Questioner: Meets internal, resists external expectations
• Upholder: Meets internal and external expectations
• Rebel: Resists internal and external expectations

Understanding your tendency is the key to using peer-powered accountability effectively.

Classic Accountability: Peer-Powered Partnerships

Accountability can take a number of forms. Many people find that working with an Accountability Partner helps them stay on track with their goals because it is easier to work with others than go it alone. However, accountability partnerships rely heavily on external expectations, and not everyone responds to external expectations naturally or easily (i.e. Questioners and Rebels). The key lesson from The Four Tendencies is that each type has a different way of dealing with expectations from internal and external sources. Understanding your tendency (and your partner’s) will help you successfully support each your action partner.

I have seen the power of accountability partnerships in my own life and in the lives of my course members. Knowledge of your natural Tendency, can help you take advantage of an accountability partner and avoid potential pitfalls.

The Tendencies At Work

Obliger: Easily meets external expectations, but struggles to meet self-imposed expectations

This most common tendency probably explains why the Dominican University study found that 70% of participants significantly or completely met their goals with the support of a friend who they reported to weekly. Obligers are naturally well-suited to accountability partnerships because they naturally meet external expectations. They thrive with a partner who check-ins consistently and encourages their progress. Obligers notoriously give more to others than to themselves. Using an accountability partnership can be an excellent technique for consistent inner work that Obligers may otherwise easily let slide.

Questioner: Meets expectations when there is a clear and meaningful reason to do so.

Questioners must satisfy their need for information and understanding before committing to expectations. Once committed, they naturally follow through on expectations. Questioners can benefit from an accountability partnership, but will need to be clear on what, why, and how the partnership will take shape. Making clear agreements about what the partnership will look like, how partner will support each other, how long the partnership will persist, and how partners will address resistance, conflict, and noncompliance will help a Questioner be an effective accountability partner.

Upholder: Naturally meets internal and external expectations without difficulty

Those who are Upholders don’t necessarily need to have an accountability partner to meet their own goals because they naturally meet their own internal expectations. However, Upholders make great accountability partners when they understand that their natural tendency can be a great support to others. It’s important for Upholders to remember that most people do not easily meet their inner expectations, so they will likely need to offer lots of patience and compassion to their partners. Deepening the qualities of patience and compassion could be a fantastic fringe benefit from an Upholders accountability partnership.

Rebel: Resists all expectations in favor of flexibility, creativity, and freedom

For those who resist internal and external expectations, accountability partnerships may seem an odd strategy, but Rebels can be similar to Questioners. Clarity about how a partnership will work sets Rebels and their partners up for success. Rebels will want to be creative and define flexible parameters that don’t feel confining. Rebels need the partnership to be convenient. The best accountability partners for Rebels are Obligers and Upholders, who use external expectations to meet their goals. A Rebel who embraces that her role is not only about meeting her own goals, but also to support her partner may be more likely to show up.

Make the Most of An Accountability Partnership

The busy, working moms in my coaching group use The Four Tendencies to help them navigate their accountability partnerships with ease. If you haven’t figured out your “Tendency” yet, take the Four Tendencies Quiz. (Bonus: You can also learn how to match your self-care to your Tendency in this blog by Yoga Health Coach, Kristen Polzien.).

Ready to  supercharge your growth with peer-power? Make a clear commitment to yourself and your partner. Hold each other accountable, and behold the power of your loving support and encouragement as you become the next amazing version of you.

Maybe it was the feeling of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. Or, perhaps you are itching to expand into a bigger, brighter, more vibrant version of yourself. Change may have been inspired by a big birthday, the new year, or some other life milestone. Whatever sparked your desire to change, this decision point has a certain quality – excitement, determination, willpower at its peak.

You are ready for action

This is a time of high motivation. It’s the perfect time for making plans, putting systems in place to support you, and for making your intentions known to a friend or accountability partner. All of these actions will serve you well when you enter the inevitable periods of low motivation, when the practice of your new habits or routines will feel less sparkly, not as exciting, boring even.

The time of high motivation excitement can also lead us to make very grand, possibly even unrealistic plans for our change. It’s so normal and human to do this. We learn from our early years and from the all messages around us that change is an all or nothing proposition. No pain, no gain. We strive for perfection and we want immediate gratification. Statistics suggest that making big resolutions to change are usually not successful – only about 9% of people who make a New Year’s Resolution feel they are successful in achieving their resolutions.

Do or Die vs Ease and Grace

What if change didn’t have to be a do-or-die scenario?

What if we made changes easily, gently, gracefully?

Behavior scientists tell us that the best way for most people to make change is to do it in very small steps. This is approach is sometimes called Kaizen – the Japanese word for improvement. This approach has been used in business, healthcare, banking, and other industries to make continuous, incremental improvements to processes and systems. In Yoga Health Coaching, we use Kaizen as a core strategy for establishing healthier habits.

No Big Shocks

Once we embrace the idea of taking small, incremental steps toward change, we have taken a big step toward achieving the vision we have for ourselves! Kaizen is a way to change habits slowly and gently. No big shocks to the system. Micro changes are achievable and help create motivation over time. With this momentum we begin to identify as someone who succeeds at making changes. This spurs on the next small step.

Kaizen is the tactical plan for successfully making change happen in your life. The other important aspect of making change happen in a gentle and sustainable way is mindset. Mindset is how we see the world through the lens of our beliefs, values, and attitudes. Mindset directs our internal dialog (aka self-talk) and in turn, directs our actions. It will reinforce the way we approach change. If we believe change has to be “all or nothing,” we will likely take big, bold (and largely unsustainable) actions toward our goals.   

Change can be easeful

A mindset that says, “change can be easeful,” will direct us to take actions that are empowered and evolutionary, yet gentle and nurturing.

You’re probably already aware of the mindset that would support easeful change:

Is your glass half empty or half full?

If you operate from a “glass half full” mindset, you already know how it feels to orient toward empowered ease. You know how the power of being the victor rather than the victim. You understand how to be an active rather than passive participant in your life. You take an evolutionary approach to life instead of a reactionary approach.

If this is not your current default mindset, cultivating more easeful and empowered beliefs and attitudes will bring you to a more grounded place from which to expand and grow. Body Thrivers know this as Habit 10: Easeful Living.

“Easeful living is a grounded connection to your natural state, your divine inheritance as a human, the basic teachings of heaven and earth.” – Cate Stillman, Body Thrive

If easeful living and graceful change feels illusive, you are living in disconnect from expansive consciousness. You feel separate from the whole of creation. You feel a strong and uncomfortable tension between where you are today and the potential you know is inside you.

The antidote for disconnection is grounding

Grounding means getting back in touch with the “ground of being.” Some may experience this concept of “being grounded” as a clear and clean connection to a higher power, consciousness, God, or Mother Earth. There are many ways to reconnect yourself to the ground of being. From a place of groundedness, you have the capacity to approach your life – and any changes you want to make – with an expansive, easeful, blissful mindset.

Here are a few practices that you might use to for grounding:

• Get lots of deep, rejuvenating rest. Go to bed by 10pm. Allow your body time to rest and repair itself with deep, restorative sleep. If you have trouble winding down at night, create a simple and calming bedtime ritual. This may include: a foot massage with essential oils; light stretching or gentle yoga; sitting in silence for 5 minutes (or longer); or making a gratitude list or other journaling exercise. If a bedtime ritual is new to you, pick just one element to practice and take a Kaizen approach to make it a habit.
• Practice self-massage. Abhyanga is the ancient practice of self-massage with oil, used to awaken the divine within. A regular practice of self-massage facilitates the flow of energy in your body, wakes up your whole being on a cellular level, and builds up your confidence and self esteem. This is an amazingly effective practice for connecting to your essential wholeness – the ground of your being.

Grounded, graceful, gentle change is possible when you set your intentions with kindness and compassion.

There is no finish line

Our lives are busy, complex, and ever-changing. This is just one more reason that taking an easeful approach to change will serve you well. The habits and routines that support the vision of the person you want to become cannot be set it stone. Because you have (or are cultivating) an evolutionary mindset, you will always be “Kaizen-ing” your habits to move toward your next evolutionary step. There is no finish line and no “correct” way to do this.

As you work on habit changes, cultivate compassion for yourself. You don’t need to get it right and it won’t help to beat up on yourself if it takes a long time to establish a new habit.

Know that your lifestyle changes are an act of love for yourself and those around you.

What will be your next small, gentle step toward the next version of you?

Your answer may be something like:

• I don’t have nearly as much energy as I use to have, my body aches more than it should, and I am overweight.
• I have a desire to feel lean and strong. There are things I want to do well into my “old age” and I want to make choices now that bring that into reality.
• I don’t take time for myself. My need for self-care gets overlooked most of the time. This is a HUGE concern. I need to be focused more on that for my family and myself.
• My biggest concern is worrying about how I would pay for a major health issue and how I would provide for my family if I got sick.

These are real answers from real people who want to improve their health and feel energetic, strong, and mentally clear though all the years of their lives.

More Than Being Not-Sick

Do you have these concerns too?

Do you know what it takes to become the healthy, strong, and vibrant person you want to be?

As a Yoga Health Coach, what I see in each of these statements is the desire to be truly well in a holistic and life-affirming way. The National Wellness Institute (NWI) defines wellness as “a conscious, self-directed and evolving process of achieving full potential.” This is much more than being “not sick.” This is about being aware and proactive about the well-being of mind, body, and spirit – and living the life of your dreams.

Adopting a proactive approach to your total well-being will enable you to thrive. To grow. To evolve. To cultivate genuine wisdom that you can pass on to your family and community.

Being proactive does not mean you have to do it on your own. Yes, thriving in life takes your own commitment and vision, but learning, growing, and evolving happens best in community. You need companions on your wellness journey. And, it takes a skilled leader to keep everyone on track to get the results they want.

Greatest Road Trip Ever

Among the Yoga Health Coaching community, we think about the road to total well-being as the “Greatest Bus Trip Ever.” On this trip, you get to co-create the itinerary and include the scenic views and pit stops that are important and necessary to you.

Hop on board with a whole busload of fellow travelers who will hold your hand on the winding roads and take the triumphant selfies with you when you reach the top of the mountain.

Benefit from a wise and seasoned tour guide (your Yoga Health Coach) to lead the trip, hand out the maps and snacks, and make sure everyone’s on the bus and getting to that mountain top.

Let’s look at all the travel companions a little more closely:

You, The Traveler

There’s no point in packing your bags and heading to the bus station until you are really ready to go. You have be invested in this trip. You have to be committed, knowing that there will be ups and downs along the way. Are you ready to stick with the journey?

Yoga’s third niyama is tapas, or inner fire. Cultivating steady discipline in our practices will burn up the obstacles in our way. Tapas does not always look hot and fiery as the translation implies, it can take many forms, such as:

• Getting to bed by 10 p.m. each night, so you will be rested and awake in the early morning for your yoga, meditation, or other self-reflective practices
• Staying focused and attentive to the present moment – be it a long-hold asana, a creative project at work, or bedtime reading with your child
• Drinking hot water with lemon or herbal tea to unwind after a long day – instead of wine or other intoxicants
• Closing your kitchen after dinner is over and using your evening hours to connect in a genuine way with friends or family

Discipline is essential and is more important than motivation. Tapas will keep you on the bus even when motivation is low.

Course Members, Your Travel Companions

The journey to reaching your wellness goals takes time, and a long road trip is more fun when you’re with a group of like-minded travelers.

However, the group dynamic is not just about having fun. It’s a key factor in you reaching your goals.

A study lead by Dr. Dean Ornish (professor of medicine at the University of California at San Francisco and founder of the Preventative Medicine Research Institute, in Sausalito, California) demonstrated the importance of group support in meeting health goals. The study showed 77% of patients who adopted lifestyle changes and participated in group support sessions maintained their healthy habits three years later.

This example also reminds us that we need more than facts to make progress toward our wellness goals. Dr. Ornish states, “Providing health information is important but not always sufficient. We also need to bring in the psychological, emotional, and spiritual dimensions that are so often ignored.” These factors are attended to in community. Your fellow travelers will be with you as you evolve your identity and become the vision you have for yourself.

Yoga Health Coach, Your Fearless Leader

Traveling with a trustworthy tour guide takes worry, frustration, and wasted time out of the equation. Your guide has traveled this road before and can spot a tourist trap (and a clean restroom) from miles away.

Yoga Health Coaches guide their course members to learn and practice the ten Body Thrive habits in community. Your coach offers you a:

• Solid foundation based on the teachings of Yoga and Ayurveda. You don’t need to be a yogi to benefit from these simple daily habits and routines that have been practiced and refined for more than 5,000 years.
• Science-based system for habit change. The field of behavioral science offers proven methods for taking control of decision-making, establishing healthy habits, and navigating changing relationships.   
• Supportive environment that provides encouragement and accountability. The dynamic group of peers working toward similar goals will accelerate learning and growth.

Get on the Bus!

Are you are ready to:

• Replace overwhelm with enthusiasm?
• Sleep well and wake up restored, rested, relaxed?
• Choose foods that be easily digested and assimilated into your system?
• Align with your core values and deepest desires?
• Live from a place of integrity and ease?

If you said yes to any of these it is time for you to get on the bus. A Yoga Health Coach can help you align your vision with actions that will uplevel your habits, transform your relationships, and get you on your way to the life you desire most.

Want to Know More About What is a Wellness Coach?

You can find out more about what is a wellness coach and how Yoga Health Coaches help people like you by reading more on the Yoga Health Coaching blog. We’ve created this resource for you to learn and be inspired. When you are ready to get started, you can find a coach here.

I feel the winds of the West, outbreath, letting go of my leaves, all I do not need.

Into the darkness of the fall sunset, I release, receive, getting ready for the Silence.

This simple song – Winds of the West – by Ayla Nereo reminds us of our potential for making natural transitions with grace and ease. In the northern hemisphere, we’re deep into Autumn, and feeling the cold, clear, dry qualities moving us toward the quiet of winter.

The transition of the seasons – especially the fall – tends to bring about a time of reflection. You may find yourself starting to look back on the year, what you have experienced, how you have changed, how you’ve met your expectations – or not quite. You may begin to wonder what the next year will bring. Who will you become next?

Identity, Habits, and Your One Wild and Precious Life

The extraordinary poet, Mary Oliver has written volumes on living a simple, centered, thoughtful life, deeply connected to nature and natural rhythms. In her treasured poem, The Summer Day, Mary asks us, “What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

Though not exclusive to the fall season, exploring what it is you are doing with your one precious life is a beautiful practice this time of year. How are you thriving? What are you ready to release? What are you ready to receive next? In Yoga Health Coaching, we call this “identity evolution.”

Habit expert James Clear teaches that identity is the key to adopting the habits that create the life you want to be living. James says, “Your current behaviors are simply a reflection of your current identity. What you do now is a mirror image of the type of person you believe that you are (either consciously or subconsciously). To change your behavior for good, you need to start believing new things about yourself.”

Who You Are Becoming, Not Who You Have Been

Identity includes your beliefs, values, and habits, as well as physical, mental and emotional qualities – your appearance, your mindset, your moods. All of these elements are the qualities of your identity.

However, identity is not fixed. You are a dynamic being, constantly changing. This is exciting because you can take an active part in shaping your identity, your habits, and your life.

Here is a bit of my personal story of identity evolution:

I grew up in a small town, got good grades, went to college, got a job. I met a man, dated and married him, bought a house, started a family. Along the way, I climbed the ladder and was successful in my career.

My life looked picture-perfect on the outside, but on the inside, it felt uncomfortable – like I was wearing seven layers of winter clothing and could hardly breathe or move. How could this have happened? I did all the things that I expected of myself. I had what I wanted and then some. I had opportunities – but they didn’t feel like the opportunities I wanted for myself.

I eventually came to see that I had followed a path that no longer felt right in my core. I needed to change, leave that old identity behind, and create something new.

Coming to understand that I could change my identity, my habits, and my life was a huge shift, but it didn’t come all at once. It was like a dim light that slowly became brighter and brighter, until finally I could see clearly where I wanted to go next in life. When I accepted that all I needed to do was to start believing new things about myself, I was ready to begin an identity evolution.  

Your Never-Ending Story, One Chapter at a Time

Imagine what it would be like if you came to realize that you want to release old beliefs – ones that were probably programmed into your being before you were even born. Whoa. That sounds big.

The good news is, you can take your identity evolution one step at a time. Think of your life as a story. You’re at the end of one chapter, and the beginning of another. You just need to write the next page.

Yoga Health Coaches teach this principle of small, incremental change, because it is the best way to make the vision you have for yourself come true in your life. When you set small goals for yourself, you’ll see and feel the accomplishment of small micro improvements. You become more tuned in to your body, heart, and mind, and your identity evolution picks up momentum.

The WHY is What Matters the Most

Creating a vision for what you want to happen in your next chapter is going to look like a list of WHATs. You will want to write them down. This might include:

• Better sleep
• Less stress or anxiety
• A stronger physical body
• Regular, easy elimination
• Consistent energy all day long
• Better focus and mental clarity

Your vision might also include other specifics like spending more time with your kids or in community service. You may want to change your living or work situation – move to a new place, or get a promotion. You may envision something new for your relationships. All of these are details you can design through your identity evolution and habit changes.

With the WHAT very clear, turn to your WHY.

Why do you want these things? Keep asking, until you get to the bottom of why you want what you want. Do you want;

• more energy and less stress so that you can be more loving to your partner and children?
• greater clarity of mind so that you can make better decisions at work with less effort?

These are great WHYs, and there may still be something underneath it. So don’t be afraid to keep asking, and give yourself time to sit with your answers and keep refining them until they feel complete and true.

The WHY is important to make your vision vivid and compelling, and something you are willing to commit to, even when the going gets tough.

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

Here we are, entering into the darkest time of the year. Evolving your identity and habits can bring in another kind of darkness – resistance. Resistance is usually your ego trying to put the brakes on the changes you are making. The ego wants to keep everything safe and same. Change is perceived as a threat, and your ego is just trying to protect you from danger.

You really can’t stop your ego from doing its protective job. Instead, notice when resistance is arising. How is it showing up? Fear? Fatigue? Worry?

Once you can label the quality or feeling as resistance, you can start making friends with it. You can even talk to it. Remind your friend that you understand that change is not easy, but it’s good for everyone. And ask your resistance to maybe just step to the side while you keep moving.

Fear, fatigue, worry, and all the rest can stay, they just can’t stand in front, and they are not allowed to make the decisions. Writer Liz Gilbert has made this practice of talking to your fear very accessible.

Get Ready for the Silence

This is the time for change. The winds of the West are upon us, the season has turned, and it is time to look inward. Let go of what you no longer need, embrace the silence, and listen for the you who is becoming.

I feel the winds of the West, outbreath, letting go of my leaves, all I do not need.

Into the darkness of the fall sunset, I release, receive, getting ready for the Silence.

I invite you to listen to these beautiful words as they are sung, imagine the vision for your next chapter, and then start writing your script.

Need support as you work through your next identity evolution? Connect with Kirstin or a Yoga Health Coach in your area to make the most of your one wild and precious life.

It’s that time of year. We are moving into “holiday season” and all of it’s delights. Pay attention and you can experience “holiday” with all five senses. Open the door to the Halloween kids and SEE the scary monsters and silly clowns. HEAR their sing-song voices and FEEL the cool air on your skin. SMELL the scent of dry leaves collecting around your doorstep. TASTE the sweetness of Halloween candy – just one piece, right?

Holiday time, with it’s fun festivities and sweet indulgences offers an extra-rich load to the senses. It can take us to the edge of overstimulation (and beyond), leading to dis-ease in body, mind, and spirit.

Before the holiday train really starts rolling, let’s take a moment to consider – how can we avoid over-stressing our senses – how can we HONOR our senses as part of the celebration?

Sensory Input is like Candy for the Soul

Honoring the senses gives way to a richer, more vibrant existence and keeps us in alignment with ancient wisdom. Ayurveda teaches us that one of the three causes of disease is asatmendriyartha samyoga – disrespecting the senses. When we disregard the information we receive from our senses, when our daily habits confuse, dull, or damage the senses, we interrupt the flow of energy in the body, leading to dis-ease.

On the flip side, we can use the wisdom of asatmendriyartha samyoga to improve well-being and enjoy life more. We can treat our our five senses – sight, sound, scent, taste, and touch – with kindness and respect, and bring healing and harmony to our physical and emotional bodies.

Five “tricks” to treat your senses this fall, and all year ‘round.

Sound Sensation

Give your sense of hearing your full attention. Close your eyes and just listen. What sensations come through your ears? Big sounds, small sounds, sudden surprising sounds? Sweet, subtle sounds?

Take that all in.

And then, take in more. What sound can you observe in your internal self? Are there gurgles in your tummy? Thumping in your chest? Grinding between your teeth?

And now, take in more.

What sound do you perceive with your being? What sensation do you connect to in the room? In the neighborhood? In the world?

Finally, what can you learn from the sounds you have so carefully and lovingly received?

Aromatherapy

The use of essential oils has exploded in popularity, but this plant medicine is not new. Ancient civilizations used essential oils for for ritual, medicine, and perfume. Use essential oils to simply give your sense of smell a little love.

Choose an oil based on how it makes you feel. The properties of the plant and the memories or instincts you associate with it can guide you to choose an oil. For example:  

• Uplifting/Invigorating: Citrus, Peppermint
• Grounding: Cedarwood, Frankincense
• Calming: Lavender, Rose

Choose how you want to bring that scent into your life. What would feel like a real treat?

One way is to add a few drops of a calming or grounding oil to a carrier oil and rub it into your feet before bedtime. Do this with intention, and make sure you really notice the scent of the oil and how it settles into your whole being.

Rest Your Eyes

What a miracle it is to have the sense of sight. They are open and “on” almost all of our waking hours. Ayurveda can teach us many practices for the eyes. Yoga Health Coach, Mary Sullivan gives us nine great tips for soothing tired eyes, and they are all simple and easy.

My favorite soothing eye treatment is a lavender eye pillow placed over my eyes at bedtime. The coolness and weight of the pillow on my brow is refreshing and comforting, and the lavender makes this a two-fer eye-and-nose treat! You can even make your own eye pillow. Here’s are simple instructions from Yoga Journal.

Love the Skin You’re In

Your skin protects the body, regulates temperature, excretes waste through sweat, and alerts you to changes in your environment through touch, pressure, temperature, and pain. Giving loving attention to your skin keeps this amazing organ in good health and it is a portal to deeply loving your whole self.

The Ayurvedic way to care for the skin is through self massage, or Abhyanga. The list of health benefits of self-massage is impressive (calming the nerves, lubricating joints, improving sleep, and more), but the personal nourishment that can be experienced through this practice is what moves me. It took some time to establish a self-massage practice, but now I do it every morning. For me, it sets the tone for a mindful day, and reminds me to appreciate my whole self.

Taste the Rainbow

Our taste buds allow us to take pleasure in the food we eat. The sense of taste also serves as a protector, helping us find and gather nutritious foods and to avoid toxic ones.

Understanding taste from an Ayurvedic perspective teaches us which tastes are best suited for our individual constitutions and needs, and how to use food to correct imbalances and restore vibrant health.

But for today, let’s just celebrate the sense of taste by using it to the fullest. Whatever you choose to eat today, go for variety and eat with attention. Fill your plate with several colors of food. Try a new food. When you take a bite, notice the flavor, texture, temperature. Perceive it with your whole being. What does juicy feel like? What is the taste of green?

Mindfully eating can bring you a whole new awareness and appreciation for what you take in to your body.

The Ultimate Delight for the Senses

Your amazing senses are always at work – protecting, entertaining, and nourishing you. Honoring the senses with your gratitude is the ultimate practice and treat.

Do this today: Place your hands over each of your sense organs, and give thanks. You can do this in two minutes. Cultivate this gratitude and reverence for your senses, and they will treat you with the same devotion and love.

If you want to tame the lions, and make the circus to feel more like magic than mania, you need to set the foundation of your show – your daily habits – with practices that bring depth and meaning to your everyday life. When you do this, daily activities become sensuous and nourishing, relationships become more juicy, and your life will be full of wonder and delight. From this place of intention and care, you can fly high, have fun, and shine bright.

In the Center Ring: Attention

Paying attention can taking many forms, but the point of doing it is the same: be awake and present to your life. You may practice this by sitting in silence, moving your body, or by simply observing small details around you at home, in your loved ones’ eyes, or in nature.

One simple way to start: Set a timer for 3 minutes, close your eyes, and listen intently to every sound you hear. You will probably notice sounds that usually fade into the background. You may be surprised at how rich and sensitive your sense of hearing is when you tune in your attention.

In the Ring on the Left: Inquiry

Curious people are lifelong learners. They have interesting conversations and attract interesting people and opportunities. The daily grind can wear us out and dull our curiosity. It can lull us into a state of boredom and make us forget how it feels to learn and discover new things. It’s pretty easy to shift back into inquiry mode and the results can be life-changing.

Here’s an easy way to reignite your curiosity: Read a book. Resist the objections that are saying, “I’m too busy to read a book!” … or whatever is your reason. Reading is the cornerstone of learning, and the most successful people in the world are readers. The best part is this: you don’t have to finish it and you have permission to skim. There’s no law that says you have to digest the thing cover to cover. Read one chapter from a book on a subject you find interesting, and then use that to spark a conversation with your spouse, friend, etc. Go a step further by doing most of the listening in the conversation. Ask your partner questions to learn their perspective on the topic.

In the Ring on the Right: Ritual

Habits are activities we do regularly, with little thought or planning. Routines are a string of habits that create efficiency and order to getting things done. You can bring more meaning into your everyday routines by elevating some of your habits into rituals. Rituals have many of the same characteristics as a habit, but they are done more for their meaning than for speed or efficiency. Repeating a series of actions with attention and reverence is a way to make magic happen in your life.

To make a habit into a ritual: Pick a daily habit and consider the benefit you get from it. When you do that habit each day, do it with a greater awareness of the doing, and also why you do it. Finish your habit with a sense of gratitude for the ability to care for this aspect of yourself and your life, and for the good it brings. That’s it. You’ve just elevated a mindless habit into a ritual – a moment of reverence and meaning.

Ready to Step into the Spotlight

You can bring all of these elements into to your day-to-day. All you have to do is pick something and give it a try. Experimentation and starting small is highly encouraged.

For example, I look at and scrape my tongue every morning, before I brush my teeth. It’s one of the first things I do to start the day right. I take a look at the color, shape, and coating (for me, there’s ALWAYS coating), and compare to recent days. I notice changes and see if I can correlate what I’ve been consuming.

If my looking and scraping shows that my tongue is:

• “Better” today than yesterday, I acknowledge myself for doing things that support healthy digestion and good self-care. I use this moment to set my intention to make today another day of wise choices and healthy living.
• The same, or even a little gunkier than yesterday, I take a moment to give myself some kindness. I acknowledge that my well-being is a lifelong pursuit. I use this moment of attention to allow my imperfection to be my teacher. I reset my intention to keep orienting toward becoming my best self.

Did you see all the elements in there? This simple and quick (this takes seconds to do each day) action is a ritual for me. It has meaning beyond the act itself. It involves curiosity and inquiry, and it is a moment of present moment awareness.

The Show Must Go On!

When life feels like a circus you don’t have to make every habit a ritual. The big idea here is to bring more magic into your life in small, simple ways. You can start right now: pick one mundane habit you do every day, and choose to elevate it to an experience that gives it meaning for you.

Remember, keep it simple. You don’t have to put all three rings into play all the time. Start small. Bring your attention and your curiosity to the way you brush your teeth, make your morning tea, or bring in the mail. Play around with what feels meaningful about these activities. How do they nourish you? What fires up your sense of gratitude? Bring attention and curiosity each time you do the habit, until it becomes a meaningful ritual.

Leave a comment to tell us what you discover!